:: Walk By Faith ::

:: Friday, November 07, 2003 ::

Time Flies

I can't believe this is only my third post here. There have been many times over the past six months (maybe more??) that I've thought about posting here, but for some reason I never did. Probably because for the moment, this blog isn't hooked up to my usual website. That is going to change...

I stopped attending the church I mentioned in my last post. It just wasn't a good fit. It didn't feel like home.

A long-time friend who sang with me in the choir back in the day asked if I would go with her to a church not far from the Nazarene church. She said that she liked the Nazarene church, but her boyfriend liked this new one (an EV Free church) and wanted to try it out. What I found out was that a lot of people from the church I grew up in have transplanted themselves at the EV Free church. I've also found out that the current pastor of my childhood church (the pastor I grew up with passed away on Easter Sunday about 6 or 7 years ago) has made some radical changes that has spurred the exodus of many of these people. To my great sadness, the choir director and his wife--two very dear mentors of mine--have also left the church I grew up in, and are searching for where God wants them to be. Was I surprised when I went to the EV Free church with my friend the other week and saw my choir director and his wife singing in the choir!

I enjoy going to the EV Free church; I was telling my friend that it reminds me of the best of my childhood church and the Nazarene church combined. The pastor is passionate about the message that God has for the world. The choir director is a multitalented man who crackles with energy. I see smiling faces who seem to be enjoying their church and their worship of Christ. Still, this was my third week in attendance, and my heart is still tied very much to the Nazarene church (mainly because I started going there in January of 2001).

The Nazarenes are perhaps a bit more outgoing--not only in their hands-raised, expressive forms of worship, but in their openness to get involved in the lives of strangers. The EV Free church is a bit more traditional, something I think that suits my friend well. Whoever would have guessed that I prefer the more 'charismatic' worship style, me coming from such a conservative background!

Back when my friend and I were growing up (she in her early 20's and me in my mid-teens), 'charismatic' was synonymous with 'crazy' or 'weird' in our circle of friends. 'Those weird charistmatic people, lifting their hands like the Pharisees on the street corner' was more of our attitude. I still worry about that sometimes, that I'm doing it just to get attention, but when I'm not doing it, my hands just ache to be raised high. Isn't that odd?

I'm really worried about my Christian walk sometimes. If you've wandered in from my website, you might be wondering what all this talk about religion and God is doing in the middle of such an obviously secular site. I'm wondering that, too. This site sure doesn't look like it's the place for a Christian, with content bordering on smut written by yours truly, and links to sites that are less than pristine. Not that you'll find any pr0n, but there are things that I question.

I've had a big problem with a lot of this for a long time. When I was a young teenager, some of my first fanfictions were about He-Man and She-Ra, two favorite targets for ultra-conservative groups, since a lot of the stories revolved around near-worship of artifacts (the Swords of Power), the occult (magic, Castle Greyskull, Crystal Castle, Hordak, etc), New-Age imagery, and stories that had no mention of God as the highest Power. I struggled with it even then: do I give up writing? Am I sinning by watching these shows? I find it interesting that my questions haven't changed in over fifteen years.

Now, I'm not saying that fairy tales are bad. Every life needs whimsy, and it's only when fantasy tries to blur into reality that it gets dangerous. Everyone needs fun in their lives. I always thought that She-Ra was a good role model for young girls--she took charge and didn't wait for a man to come along. She had courage and stepped out into the unknown. She believed in herself and her friends, and yes, she did turn to a higher power than herself when all seemed lost. All admirable qualities. I dunno; this conversation is sort of going away from what my original point was...

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I love anime, and yet I wonder if I should give it up. There are clearly things in anime that aren't in keeping with Christian ideals (no big surprise there, since only 1% of Japanese are Christians). Sex is so predominate in anime, both hetero- and homosexual varieties. So is the occult; Christian symbols are often used more like charms or talismans, and are often paired with bloody, horrible images of demons, vampires, and other agents of darkness. Granted, most of the time the Christian symbols are used to drive back the darkness, but it still pushes the limits of what I've been taught is acceptable.

Language in anime is also a big issue, although more and more just general television programs have a lot of very bad language in it. I don't watch network television or situation comedies, mainly because I am too busy to follow a show, and also because most of the shows are just pointless. So what do I watch when I do watch? Food Network, Cartoon Network, the Travel channel, Discovery, A&E, and even sometimes then I have to be ready to turn the channel. I'm not a goody-two-shoes, like my ears will fall off if they hear one bad word, but come on. Television has gotten worse since I was a child. I was watching VH1 the other day and everyone was just so cynical. No one has any hope anymore. Everyone's out to satisfy themselves, and I suppose maybe Food Network and things like the Home Shopping Network are out there for that, to fill the God-shaped hole in all of us with enough food or things to make us feel good. The most pointless network I think that's out there? Fine Living. Completely idiotic. That's just what we need, more of what Styx was talking about when they said "They show you photographs/of how your life should be/that's just someone else's fantasy".

I fall victim to it too. I eat and eat and eat, trying to make myself feel safe. All I do is get fat. I try to hide in fanfiction and anime. I'm still the same person in need of God's grace that I was before.

Recently, I let someone know that I really liked them and wouldn't mind pursuing a relationship with them. They were excited by this and told me that the feeling was mutual...except that they were sort of waiting for what someone they had been pursuing would say, and didn't feel it was fair for them to keep me on the side. I understood this, and said that whatever they decided was fine. Then last week, they told me that the person had responded, and they were really interested in pursuing this other relationship. I was stung, but by no means crushed.

My point in telling you this? Up until that time, my whole week had revolved around thinking about this guy. I felt disconnected from everything else--including my walk with God--while I was thinking about him. This guy is very nice, but he uses a lot of foul language, and a lot of his values don't seem to align with mine. I told him flat out that I would not be 'the other woman' if he decided to pursue the other relationship, nor would I be second place, the extra in case the first one didn't work out. I half expected for it not to work out anyway, since this guy was obviously not who God has in mind for me. The man He has for me is engaged in a relationship with God, he's not perfect, but he's forgiven.

Anyway, with the end of that little drama, I once again turned back to God. I'm not saying I'm some pure virgin, but I know there is no other way to do this. If I am to be happy for the rest of this earthly life with a man that God chooses for me, I can't just give my heart to everyone that passes, no matter how tempting it may be.

I still struggle with a lot of things. I'm a big procrasinator. I like to shop. I like to eat. I don't listen to God when he tells me to get busy at work or to do my homework or not to buy cookies. And you know what? It's just like He said, the wages of sin is death--death of the spirit. Bad grades. Poor performance reviews. Extra pounds. Those are all the wages of sin.

Living a Christian life is not easy. It's a lot like log rolling, really. You start going, you slip, you get overbalanced, you fall off. You climb back on and go again. Or maybe it's more like riding a bicycle. Once you learn the basics, you can stay on all the time, but when you fall off, you're going to fall hard. You're not going to want to get back on. You'll think, "You know, it's so much easier just to stay down here where I don't get hurt falling off!" Well, why would you walk when you're meant to ride, to fly down the sidewalk with the wind in your hair, your Father calling encouragement from behind you?

Why would you walk?
:: Melissa (& Billy) 4:40 PM [+] ::
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I Was Glad When They Said To Me, 'Let Us Go To the House of the Lord"



I know I haven't updated in a coon's age (just how old is a coon, anyway?), but it's one of those things where I say "Eh, I'll do it later" and you know it--later never comes.



I no longer attend the church I grew up in, a conservative Baptist establishment that afforded me most of my basic religious training. When I was 18, my parents made it clear that they were not getting along, and about the same time, the church split down the middle as well. It was an ugly scene on both accounts. Consequently, I've only been back a handful of times, mostly for Christmas Concert and a few Easter Pageants, and the odd Sunday service. I think the whole attitude of when as a teenager, you leave home, it's never the same again--I think that applies to your childhood church as well. The buildings are familiar, the people are familiar, but there's a distance there. There have been others who have replaced me in the minds and hearts of my mentors--I'm still recognized when I go there, but it's not the same. It hurts a little, but I have to remember I didn't go there to have everyone think I was so great. You know?



When I decided to go back to church in 2001, I walked into a Nazarene church that some friends had recommended to me. I found out why this church building was so large--in order to house the immense congregation! Coming from a 'traditional' sanctuary (aisle/pew/main aisle/pew/aisle), this 'worship center' seemed like a teeming cavern. However, a strange thing happened--I didn't feel lost. I felt like I was home.



Now I had to do it all over again. I had to --gasp-- make friends, and I couldn't do it on the virtue of being a cute, smart little girl. I had to do it as a twenty-something woman trying to find out where the faith of her childhood fit into her grownup life. I plunged into activities the first week; singles group on Monday (no thanks), and choir on Tuesday. Coming from the rigor of the director and his wife who mentored me in my childhood church home, this choir looked like a den of Cub Scouts; rowdy, talkative, imprecise. This was so difficult to overcome! The first night I made something of an idiot out of myself, trying to show up everyone else by keeping my eyes glued to the directoress. To my chagrin, she pointed it out and lauded it as an example for everyone to follow. I was mortified, but deservedly so. I got the point: Worship or don't. There's no room for snobbery in worship.



I sang in the choir (my last performance was a solo, even) for about six months, until I started back to school. I haven't sang in an organized group since, something that tears at me every Sunday morning. I know I need to be up there serving and singing, but I know it's important for me to get my education while I can, and also because I have a tuition benefit where I work. I stopped attending the Nazarene church, not because I didn't like it or anything, quite the contrary. It's a fifteen minute drive, and I found that the drive was making it easier for me to make excuses and skip church. Not a good thing.



In the middle of November of this year, I started going to a non-denominational church (something I never would have considered as a teen, fresh out of my Baptist upbringing), a congregation that's been around for a long time in one location or another (my next-door neighbors while I was growing up attended that church, and I went to see a Kids Praise! concert there). While I didn't immediately make an emotional connection with the church like I had up at the Nazarene campus, I enjoyed the service and I met a lot of people who I knew from work or other contacts. Ironically, the girl who dated my high school boyfriend just after I did--she attends this church with her fiance.



It's not as...well, it's not like the Nazarene church, but it's a good congregation, and I've made lots of friends. I know someone in the singles group who attends the Nazarene church, and I've been tempted to carpool with him. I'm even a member of the Nazarene church; to sing solo in the choir, you had to go through a membership class--which really was a good thing, now that I look back on it. I really REALLY like the pastor of that church, and the pastor of the one I attend now is just a different guy. One isn't better than the other, it's just that the pastor of the Nazarene church is incredibly personable, and I can't remember one single sermon I didn't walk away with something extremely usable or profound. The church I attend now, the pastor has a drier sense of humor, and he's a bit quieter, but I really enjoyed last week's sermon.



I don't know. Maybe I'm going to church for the wrong reasons, but I feel that church should be someplace where you get instruction and stuff you can use, timely reminders and encouragement for the week ahead. I have found, though, that I'm much more involved here at this church, and I'm staying much more focused on reading my Bible and fellowshipping with believers now than I ever was at the Nazarene church. Maybe the thing that's changed is me...



More later. Time for Economics class.

:: Melissa (& Billy) 6:29 PM [+] ::
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For those of you who don't know me (and I'd say it's pretty safe to say most of you don't), let me get the introductions out of the way first. My name is Melissa, and at this moment I'm 29 years old. I've lived most of my life in a small town on the coast of California, halfway between Los Angeles and San Francisco, except for a brief stint in the Sacramento area and two years in Phoenix, Arizona. I work as the receptionist for a local private university. I'm an only child of parents who divorced when I was 20. I was married at the age of 19, then divorced at the age of 22 (no kids). I am currently single.



This is turning out to be a resume, but I'm going to be talking about my life, and I wanted everyone to have a good working knowledge of items and situations I'm going to be referring to as this blog evolves.



I'm a good student, currently in 6 units per 8-wk semester. School has mostly come easy for me, since I learned to read at the age of 3. Since then, I've been reading everything I can get my hands on, but my favorite authors are Katherine Kurtz (fantasy) and Emily Dickinson (poetry). I've been told I'm a talented vocalist (soprano), and I've been trained musically since I was 7. I like to sketch, but my biggest hobby is writing fiction. My dream is to one day be published--that is, somewhere besides my webpage.



Anyway, to the point of this blog. I've already got a general blog on my site, Unfinished Metropolis, where I rant and spew about anime and such, but this is going to be a little different. This blog is going to be about my journey of faith, a journey back to the things that seemed so simple as a kid, but that have gotten a lot different since I've grown up and know more about the world and its people. Things are happening in my life that I want to preserve, and I want to be able to look back on these events and see how far I've come on my journey.



I feel a little strange, maybe a little duplicitous--that is, 'being in both places at once'--about having a second blog just for discussing my faith. It's like the other one's for the wayward me, the part of my life that I insist on keeping to myself and not relinquishing control on, and this one is for the me that I'm trying to be, the me I know I should be, the "clean" me--the me that doesn't gossip or swear or write explicit stories, the me that tithes before even thinking about spending money at the comic shop or at the anime store. Like I said, the me I should be, not the me that I am.



I'm not saying I have to be doom and gloom, never allowed to have anything resembling fun. I'm not saying I have to swear off everything above a PG rating. I'm not saying I have to throw away my TV set or stop wearing makeup. What I am saying is that I need to be more aware of the fact that I am different from the rest of the world. I am now set apart, a new creation. What I am saying is that I need to start walking by faith.


:: Melissa (& Billy) 10:47 PM [+] ::
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